I wrote this the fall after my wee man was born. Pregnancy loss is never easy, even after the fact.
How does one express their feelings of a burning emptiness and an elated joy all at once? It feels so wrong to mourn a loss when you are celebrating a miracle of survival.
Two years ago I lost my first child to miscarriage. Today I am celebrating that my son not only is here after being old he never would be; but also, survived being extremely premature, a long NICU stay, and is home for the holidays. I haven’t had a reason to celebrate in a very long time, spending the last two years in the hospital myself. I get to have three Christmases this year; all with people I love very much.
So why, when this year I am so blessed, do I feel so guilty for still mourning the loss of a child two years ago? A child I never got to see, not even an ultrasound. Some say time heals all wounds. I strongly disagree. I think instead the wound becomes a part of us. Afterall, scars don’t disappear.
There are never words to explain these deep feelings. I wish I had at least gotten to meet my little Hayden, but I am so blessed to be surrounded by so many I love this year.
To my Hayden (12/22/2015), I miss you. To the man by my side, there are not enough words to express my love for you. And to my son, you are so wanted and a blessing in every way.